Ugh...

As I sit here on the computer in the ramp office at work, I can't help but think... "How did I get to this point...?" I have been through many trials for someone my age, or so I think. It's ridiculous really. Sometimes I just so beaten down, and I just want to give up... Obviously, that won't be happening because I'm kind of a bad ass. Just sayin'. Well, I'm sure by now, all of you who never read this have realized that my aunt Becky has passed away. I'm not going to lie, it's pretty shitty. Last night I was looking at my phone and I really just wanted to call her up and see how things were going. I of course did nothing, she's not here any more. I know she is totally not concerned with what is going on down here anymore, but I really miss her. I'm sure her daughter misses her. I hate this. Well, anyway... She's probably hugging everyone's neck up there and expressing how glad she is to be there. I just wish I could see her after work today. I wish I could see my brother today. I wish I could see and meet my grandpa today. I know once I die I won't be concerned with all of these things, but as I live my life to it's fullest potential for however long I'm given, I will have days like this. I'm hoping I am not this depressed tomorrow. Waking up 15 minutes before my shift starts is not how I would like to continue out this week. I am hoping for a better tomorrow.

Aunt Becky

After a hard fought battle against stage 4 breast cancer, my aunt ultimately won. The Lord took her home earlier today, and she left her cancer behind.

It is a time of overwhelming emotions for me and my family as well. We are all sad that we will never see her smiling face upon this earth again. However, we are joyous in the fact that she is worshiping our Father and singing with the angels.

My aunt Becky holds a special place in my heart. I will always remember the good times singing in her car, sleepovers, jokes, and love that she shared. I will never be able to fully describe how much my aunt Becky means to me.... She isn't just my aunt, she's my aunt Beck....

I know that her funeral on Monday will be one to remember... Becky was no ordinary woman, so her funeral will be an extraordinary celebration of her faithful life on this earth.

My prayer is that the Lord would be with Caroline, Becky's daughter, and the rest of our family, and bring us peace.

Thank you sweet Jesus for taking Becky home, and having her life touch so many people.

Physical Death

If someone you love was dying, would you want to know?

How does one deal with the fact that a loved one has a short time frame left on this earth?

I know when my brother died, I felt like God wasn't being fair; I never got to say "goodbye."

I realize that none of us can know the moment of our death until it comes, and I realize none of us are even guaranteed tomorrow. I still find it difficult to deal with knowing someone is so sick that it will lead to their physical death.

I know the Lord is capable of miracles. I know that physical death should be a joyous celebration for believers. I also know that the pain of loosing someone and the pain of watching others suffer loss, sucks. There is no way around it.

I think the thing I hate most about death, is I can never understand "why them?" Why does the Lord choose some to die early and not others? Why do some families have more premature deaths than others? Why are humans unable to know "why?"

I hate when I get this way. Some days are better than others, but sometimes I just get so angry and upset. I wish I were able to be a lady that is only upset for a short while, and is then able to always see the positive in every situation. Unfortunately I am not to that place yet. I hope that one day soon I will be able to leave the questions behind and fully trust God's plan.

"The LORD sits enthroned over the flood; the LORD sits enthroned as king forever. May the LORD give strength to his people! May the LORD bless his people with peace!" (Psalm 29: 10-11)

My Dear Friend

One of my dearest and most trusted friends is moving to a new place. I will miss him dearly and will never be able to fully express my gratitude and love toward him. He has been there through so many of my life experiences and has shared wisdom and help for me to overcome many obstacles. He has helped me identify many roots to my anger and bitterness, prayed for me and my family, and made me see the good things in life rather than focusing on all the bad. This man should receive an award for putting up with all of my lip and doubts, as well as for helping me out as a teen struggling to find love and acceptance.

I have obtained so much knowledge of the God I serve through the biblical teachings and lessons taught through my friend. I have no doubt in my mind that the Lord placed this friend in my life at the perfect moment. Now that he is leaving, I am sad because I will be unable to see his face on a regular basis. However, I will never forget the long talks, coffee breaks, loud laughs, textversations, car rides, music lessons, and teachings of our Savior that he shared with me. This man is my neighbor, my brother in Christ, my mentor, and my dearest friend. I will be forever grateful to God for placing this man in my life. and will be glad to visit him as soon and as often as I can. :)

Moving..

As I sit here, tears burning my eyes and streaming down my face, I think about what all has occurred these past five months. I have been deceived, betrayed, practically homeless, and deeply cared for. So many things have happened, and I'm going to miss it here. The past THREE months have been some of the best I've had. I know I am supposed to go back to Texas, but it will be difficult.

I am going to miss my dear friends so much. They have given me a place to live and work these past three months and paid for all of my needs. More than that though, Catrina and I have a bond that I feel no one could ever understand. I have never been closer to another person in my life. She feels my pain with me and shares my feelings. She and Louis have shared so much of their lives with me and I am forever indebted to them.

Catrina and I have mutually put off acknowledging my departure until tonight. I will be leaving tomorrow afternoon, and it will be a very tearful goodbye. I know that I will be visiting, as does Catrina, but it will still be very sad. It will just be such a drastic change for the both of us, not to mention the kids. I dread saying bye to little Jinx, but it has to be done.

I know I will have to try my hardest to get a good paying job as soon as I get to Texas. I'll need money to visit, but also to keep my mind occupied so I will not be too disheartened. I hope and pray for the day I am able to return to Shawnee, OK. I am unsure of what is to come, but I know it will be for the best.